23

Photo by Waceline Cius (@ciusphotography)

or "one day I won't be too afraid to search for my shadow"
They taught me how to seize the Day before
they taught me how to greet it and now
waking up in the morning feels like preparing for battle.
In kickboxing class I learned to
never turn your back on your opponent.
My future and I faced each other, locked gazes,
under-eye baggage and all--
All bruised knuckles and dodged punches.

I didn't expect easy loving or longingly lovely
Jane Austen gazes from across the room but
I really hope we can grow to be one of those angsty
YA enemies-to-lovers stories I pretend to hate.

I refuse to believe that my only options
are risking a fat lip or running away and hoping
time won't catch up to me.

I want to breathe deep without the bitter taste of
wasted potential.
I want to watch the sunrise and not think
I'm wasting my time.
I want to walk peacefully between who I am and
who I was and
who I hope I get the chance to be.

The other day I woke and thought, plainly to myself:
I'm glad I got to meet Today.

I have a feeling the two of us could get along
quite nicely.

I turned 23 the other day and it was strange. I have never been big on birthdays because they always felt kind of...vain? Anyways, a few years ago, I had a friend tell me that I should always celebrate things like birthdays and anniversaries and that they love any opportunity to celebrate the fact that I just exist. It's weird to have someone tell you that they're glad you're here and are excited about your general existence. I guess, I've never been one to celebrate anything about myself, unless others expect it of me. I've also never been good at goals and stuff. Possibly because every time I made a goal I lived in constant and debilitating fear of never reaching it. Possibly because I'm lazy.

When I was in high school, I started planning these things called "little futures." They were really just planned activities, not really complicated or anything. It could be that on Friday night, I'm gonna take a really hot shower and watch half a season of Merlin. And, whenever life got hectic or I got unsure or fell into a seemingly endless hole of anxiety about how my presence on Earth means very little and probably will always mean very little to pretty much everyone, I would stop and think: yeah, but at least on Friday I get to lay in bed for four hours and watch Arthur Pendragon be an asshole. And that's what did it for me; that's what got me through. 

I kinda stopped doing this in college but, especially in these desperate  and seemingly endless days of plague, I think I'm gonna pick this thing up again. I mean, I've written tons about my complicated relationship to the idea of "the future" but I have rarely talked about how I cope with that fear of the endless nothing and void of possibility that exists in all things at all times. 23 is not a glamorous year but at this point, I don't particularly give a shit. Imma roll with 23. I'm gonna re-watch Merlin and take hot baths on Friday nights. It's not like there are more exciting things to do in ~these unprecedented times~ or anything. We have so few hours on this earth (literally! The whole place is actually going up in flames! Revolutions are knocking every five to six hours and the devil shows his face regularly on the TV screen!) so why not cut some of that big picture crap and make a few little futures for yourself. 

I have absolutely no fucking clue if or when our government will listen to the screams of its people and I'll continue to do my part to put some stress on the heartless motherfuckers but at least on Friday I get to take a shower so hot the spirits of everyone who died in blazing agony in Pompei all those years ago start to sweat, and I get to watch some absolutely spectacular and under-appreciated 2010s fantasy TV.